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Spoiler warning! This song is sung by the Centipede. In it, Aunt Spiker laments her skinniness and vows to alter her figure by eating chocs and sweets. The peach comes along and alters it for her by ironing her out on the lawn!
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Spoiler warning! This song is sung by the Oompa-Loompas after Augustus gets sucked up the pipe. They claim that in cases such as this – where a child is a greedy pig – the best thing to do is change them into something that gives pleasure to all. And what better than a bit of fudge?
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Spoiler warning! This song is sung by the Oompa-Loompas after Grandma Georgina takes too much Wonka-Vite. It tells of the dangers of taking prescribed medicine that isn’t yours. A child called Goldie Pinklesweet was staying with her grandmother in Kent. Once her grandmother goes out, Goldie rushes to the medicine shelf and eats all of grandma’s little brown chocolate-coated pills. Unfortunately they’re a powerful laxative and Goldie starts feeling very sick. Her grandma returns home and calls the ambulance. At the hospital they try to save her, but the doctors say she’s dead. “I’m not so sure,” the child replied. “I’ll be okay, I think.” So Goldie lived and went back home with her parents. She took so many of the pills, though, that traces were invariably left behind. That’s why Goldie has to spend seven hours every day in the bathroom.
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Spoiler warning! In the U.S.A., near San Francisco, lived a very stupid and spoiled boy named Roy. His parents bought him everything he ever wanted. One day he decided that he wanted a peculiar pet that no one else owned: he wanted a giant ant-eater. His father wrote to all the zoos, but none of them would sell their ant-eaters. Finally the father found an Indian man willing to part with his for 50,000 gold rupees. When the ant-eater arrived, it was half-dead with starvation from the long journey. He asked Roy for food, but the cruel boy told the ant-eater to go find ants. Unfortunately there weren’t any in the garden. The ant-eater again begged for food, but Roy told him to eat ants. That very day, Roy’s aunt Dorothy came to visit. She was a foul old hag of 83. Roy introduced her to the ant-eater saying, “Ant-eater! Don’t lie there yawning! / This is my ant! Come say good-morning!” (Here the narrator interjects to point out that Americans say “aunt” and “can’t” incorrectly.) The ant-eater was excited to see such a huge “ant” and quickly gobbled her up. Roy fled to the potting shed and hid. “But ant-eater came sneaking in / (Already it was much less thin) . And said to Roy, ‘You little squirt, / I think I’ll have you for dessert.'”
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Spoiler warning! Ali Baba, a decent Arab gentleman, is urinating on a tree next to a cliff when he sees forty thieves and plunderers ride up. The leader shouts “Open Sesame!” and the mighty rockface opens wide for them to enter. Al realizes that he has learned a very secret magic word that will open up any door. Instead of robbing a bank, Al decides to use his power for fun. He heads to London to the Ritz Hotel. Walking down the first floor corridor, Al uses his word to open each door and see what’s going on inside. He sees all sorts of shocking things, like people in their underwear and a goat asleep in a bed. “What’s wrong,” he gasps, “with all these guys? / The rich have most peculiar habits, / Less like humans, more like rabbits!” Soon the people in the rooms realize that their doors have been opened and they pour into the corridor shouting. The scene is reduced to chaos as loads of naked posh people scream and run about. Ali Baba leaves the hotel feeling swell. “But wait!” he cries out as he leaves. / “What’s happened to the Forty Thieves? / I clean forgot to put them in! / Oh well,” he murmurs with a grin, / “Who cares? Not me. What’s done is done. / I really can’t please everyone.”
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Spoiler warning! A very wicked old Chinese man (who was actually Scottish, I think) named Jock MacFaddin found a secret cave outside Shanghai. Inside he saw piles of gold and gleaming jewels. He also saw a small lamp inside and realized it was the magic lamp that granted wishes. His brain was full of plans for how to use it, like turning his landloard into a frog. When he tried to retrieve it though a ghostly voice told him to leave and two bony fingers tweaked his nose. Jock fled the cave screaming, but he didn’t give up on his plan to get the lamp. He decided to have someone else do his dirty work for him. So he hurried to the market-place and picked out a young boy with a friendly face. This was Aladdin. Jock pretended to be the boy’s long-lost uncle and offered him twenty yen to do a favor for him. He took Aladdin to the cave and told him to fetch the lamp. Aladdin wasn’t sure, so Jock told him the cave was filled with chocolates and bare-bottomed dancing girls. That’s good enough for Aladdin and he raced into the cave. As soon as he touched the lamp, a huge genie rose out of it and offered to grant any wish. Aladdin said he wished to become a genie too. The genie cried “Right! Farewell! Be Brave!” and Aladdin disappeared. He had become a genie. The narrator explains that all this happened over 500 years ago. Aladdin is still around, and every now and then a lucky man will find the lamp and have his wish granted. Once an Englishman asked for help with a play he was writing. It was William Shakespeare. Aladdin also helped a young boy named Mozart compose wonderful music. “This sort of marvellous magic wheeze / S’been going on for centuries. / Aladdin suddenly appears / (Not more than once in fifty years) / But when he does, oh boy, oh then / Great genius is born again. / Just think, next time he passes through, / The lucky person might be you.”
