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Spoiler warning! The Centipede sings this song, which is his favourite of all. He dances wildly on top of the peach singing about the time when “pigs were swine” and “monkeys chewed tobacco” and “goats ate tapioca”. We never hear the end of it, though, because unfortunately he gets too close to the edge of the peach and falls off.
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Spoiler warning! Miss Tibbs, the Vice President (and the President’s nurse), sings this song about the President. She talks about toilet training him when he was a baby and bathing him. When he was 23, it dawned on her that he wasn’t very bright, as he couldn’t read or write. His parents feared that he’d never get a job. Miss Tibbs thought he’d make a great politician, though. She taught him how to win the people’s vote and make speeches where you never say what you mean. She also taught him the importance of having good teeth and keeping your fingers clean. “And now that I am eighty-nine, / It’s too late to repent. / The fault was mine the little swing / Became the President.”
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The poem and this accompanying article were published in the Bristol Evening Post on October 20, 2003. Many thanks to Richard Reddrop for sending it to me.
New Dahl poem is discovered
Roald Dahl fans have been thrilled by the discovery of a never-before-published poem by the famous author.
The writer sent the 10-line verse to the Priory School in Dorset the year before his death in 1990.
Typical of Dahl’s horrible humour, it describes an evil teacher who twists off pupils’ ears when they forget history dates.
Dahl, who was educated in West-super-Mare, sent the poem to Year 3 pupils in June 1989 in response to letters they wrote to their literary hero.
After reading it to her class, teacher Jenny Sibbald stored it with some other papers at home and forgot all about it. But when she retrieved the poem for a recent assembly, staff at the school in Christchurch were astonished.
Though the poem was included in the Roald Dahl Centre archives, it had never appeared in print.
Head teacher Mark Loveys said: “We were absolutely amazed. To have a Roald Dahl poem that has never been on the bookshelves is wonderful and the kids loved it.”
“My teacher wasn’t half as nice as yours seems to be.
His name was Mister Unsworth and he taught us history.
And when you didn’t know a date he’d get you by the ear
And start to twist while you sat there quite paralysed with fear.
He’d twist and twist and twist your ear and twist it more and more.
Until at last the ear came off and landed on the floor.
Our class was full of one-eared boys. I’m certain there were eight.
Who’d had them twisted off because they didn’t know a date.
So let us now praise teachers who today are all so fine
And yours in particular is totally divine.”
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Spoiler warning! James recites this song to introduce each of his companions to the people of New York. The Centipede, he says, is so gentle and sweet that the Queen of Spain has had him over to babysit. The Earthworm is a wonderful digger and would be great for excavating subway tunnels. The Grasshopper loves to play music and play with children. The Glow-worm would provide light without need of electricity. Miss Spider weaves thread and would never have frightened Miss Muffet away. The Ladybug is beautiful and kind and has many children back home that are coming on the next peach. The Silkworm makes the best silk and personally wove the Queen of England’s wedding dress. The cops and people of New York all cheer and welcome James and his friends to the city.
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Spoiler warning! This song is sung by the Oompa-Loompas after Mike Teevee has been taken off to be stretched. They claim that television is an idiotic invention that kills imagination and makes children dumb. They urge parents to throw out their televisions and install a bookcase instead. The children used to love reading, and once they’re bored enough they’ll discover it again. As for Mike Teevee, it remains to be seen if they can get him back to his proper height. “But if we can’t – it serves him right.”
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Mary, Mary, quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
“I live with my brat in a high-rise flat,
So how in the world would I know.”
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Spoiler warning! The Wolf gets hungry and goes to Grandma’s house. He eats her up in one bite but isn’t satisfied yet. So he decides to put on Grandma’s clothes and wait for Little Red Riding Hood to arrive. When she gets there, they go through the familiar dialogue of her asking him about his big eyes and ears. Then she asks him about his furry coat. “That’s wrong!” he says, pointing out that she was supposed to ask about his teeth. Regardless, he says, he’s going to eat her up. Before he has a chance, the small girl pulls a pistol from her knickers and shoots him in the head. The narrator explains that he met Miss Riding Hood a few weeks later in the wood and was impressed by her new “lovely furry wolfskin coat.”
Sotheby’s Dahl Auction 1997
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I had a little nut-tree,
Nothing would it bear.
I searched in all its branches,
But not a nut was there.
“Oh, little tree,” I begged,
“Give me just a few.”
The little tree looked down at me
And whispered, “Nuts to you.”
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Spoiler warning! The lion loves to eat a lot of red and tender meat. The narrator is trying to entice him from his lair, but the lion will not say which meat is his favorite. Is it crispy pork or rabbit-pie? Is it curried beef or a big plump hen? The lion finally answers, “The meat I am about to chew / Is neither steak nor chops. IT’S YOU.”
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Spoiler warning! Jack and his mother are completely broke, so she sends him off to sell their old cow to someone wealthy. Instead he comes back with only one bean. She can’t believe his stupidity and throws the bean out onto the rubbish dump. Then she beats Jack with the vacuum cleaner handle. The next day they see that the bean has sprouted into a huge beanstalk. Jack is pleased, but his mother complains that there aren’t any beans for them to pick. Jack points out that the leaves above them are pure gold. She is entranced and tells him to climb up and cut them off. As he climbs, though, he hears a giant above say, “FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!” Jack scurries down and reports back to his mother. She tells him it’s no wonder the giant smells him, as Jack never bathes and he stinks. She decides to climb it herself. Not long after, Jack hears the giant eat her up. He realizes that if he wants the gold, he’s going to have to wash. So he cleans himself thoroughly. When he climbs the beanstalk again, the giant doesn’t smell him at all. Jack waits til the giant is sleeping and then gathers up enough gold to make himself a millionaire. “A bath,” he said, “does seem to pay. I’m going to have one every day.”
