Category: Media

“Hansel and Gretel”

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Spoiler warning! Hansel and Gretel’s parents are fed up with how much food their children eat, so they decide to get rid of them. They plan to take them for a walk in the woods and then to leave the children there. Hansel guesses that his parents are up to something, though, and he leaves a trail of breadcrumbs to follow back home. As expected, their parents abandon them. They’re unable to follow the breadcrumbs, though, as the crows have eaten them all. The children are frightened but a snow-white bird tells them, “Come follow me, you troubled things, / I’ll take you on my silver wings / To safety, to a lovely place / Where you can live in peace and grace!” The bird leads them to a cottage where a sweet old lady greets them. She says they must be hungry and feeds them loads of wonderful food. The second course is a curious sizzling roast of meat. The children like it but are unable to guess what it is. After dinner the woman locked Hansel in a stable and told him that she was fattening him to eat. (Here the author interjects with an explanation that the original Brothers Grimm version was much more gory and scary.) As the woman prepares the oven to cook Hansel, Gretel shoves her inside and locks the door. Then she runs to free her brother. “Hansel!” she shouts. “We’re free at last! / The foul old dame is roasting fast!” / Young Hansel cried, “Oh, well done you! / Oh, what a splendid thing to do! / But then again, you must admit / You always liked to cook a bit.”

“A Hand in the Bird”

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Spoiler warning! The speaker is a “maiden” of forty who intends to stay that way. As she is running the tombola at the church bazaar, she feels something crawling up her thigh. She thinks it is a mouse and nearly screams. She makes a quick grab to catch it and discovers instead that it’s a hand. “Great Scott! It was the vicar’s!”

“Goldilocks and the Three Bears”

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Spoiler warning! This poem follows the same plot as the traditional story but presents it as if it were a case for a jury. The three bears go for a walk to wait for their porridge to cool, and while they’re gone Goldilocks breaks into their house and eats their food. Then she sits on a precious antique baby’s chair and breaks it to bits (and says a rude word in the process). Afterwards she goes upstairs and walks on all the beds without removing her shoes. The narrator explains that in the traditional story, children are supposed to cheer when this little criminal escapes. In his version, though, Goldilocks gets her comeuppance. “Oh Daddy!” cried the Baby Bear, / “My porridge gone! It isn’t fair!” / “Then go upstairs,” the Big Bear said, / “Your porridge is upon the bed. / But as it’s inside mademoiselle, / You’ll have to eat her up as well!”

Fun Stuff

“The Emperor’s New Clothes”

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Spoiler warning!

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Spoiler warning! The King is simply mad about new clothes and stops in at the Royal Tailor’s shop several times a day. He loves to buy gorgeous suits and cloaks and fur-lined boots. His obsession makes him cruel, though, and he mistreats servants who muss his clothing. He even had one man minced and turned into margarine! The people longed to get rid of him. A dozen brainy men formulate a plan and convince the Tailor to go along with it. The next time the King stops in, the Tailor tells him about some marvelous new cloth he’s just had imported from Tibet. It’s magical and will keep you warm even in the icy cold. As the King enjoys to ski every day, he orders the Tailor to make him a ski suit of this material. He asks to see it and the Tailor tells him it’s before him. The King complains of not being able to see it until the Tailor tells him that the cloth appears invisible to fools and nincompoops. On that cue, the dozen men come in and rave about the unseen cloth. The King falls for their trick. The next day the Tailor comes to outfit the King in his new skiing suit. They tell him that he doesn’t need to wear any undergarments, so he strips naked. The men are smart and have turned up the central heating, so the King sweats and believes he is wearing the warm cloth. Just then the Queen and her ladies of retinue come strolling through. Most avert their eyes, but some seem to enjoy seeing the, uh, “royal treasures.” The King then cries, “Now I’m off to ski!” and heads for the mountain, oblivious to the freezing weather. In half an hour he was frozen solid and the people all cheered.

“Dick Whittington and His Cat”

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Spoiler warning! Dick Whittington had often been told that London’s streets were paved with gold. So he and his faithful headed for the city. Dick quickly got a job working as a pantry-boy to Lord and Lady Hellespont. Unfortunately Dick’s cat made daily messes on the floor, which enraged Lord Hellespont. His Lordship fetched his gun and began stalking the cat through the house. Unfortunately his shot missed and struck Lady Hellespont – who’d been embracing a footman on the portico – right in the rump. The noise caused Dick to break a cup in the kitchen, for which he was beaten by the cook. When he finally escaped, he met up with the cat and Lady Hellespont in the street. They’re all about to run when Dick hears the Bells of Bow proclaim that he will be Lord Mayor of London. Before he gets too excited, Lady Hellespont points out that Bow church has a crazy vicar who’s rigged up speakers in the street to fool dim-witted country people. “Listen, you poor misguided youth,” she says. “In London no one tells the truth!” Then she says she prefers Dick to the footman she’d been embracing and suggests they team up. The cat warns him against getting involved with an upper-class female. Just then Lord Hellespont bursts from the house and shoots her in the rump again. She accuses him of doing it deliberately, but he says he’s just trying to hit the cat. Dick pulls out his sword and runs it through the Lord. The Lady is happy and again suggests that Dick come with her. The cat urges him not to succumb and the two of them head home, deciding that whoever said London’s streets were paved with gold was telling awful lies.

“The Dentist and the Crocodile”

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Spoiler warning! A dentist is petrified when a crocodile plops down in his office and requests to have his teeth repaired. “I want you,” the Crocodile declared, “to do the back ones first.” He opens his huge jaws to show at least three hundred sharp white pointed teeth. The dentist stands two yards away and tries to use a long probe to check for decay. The crocodile tells him that he’s too far away and that he needs to put his head down inside the Croc’s mouth. The dentist weeps in despair and says he’s close enough. Just then a lady bursts in and admonishes the Crocodile for playing tricks again. The dentist is hysterical and screams that the Crocodile will eat them all. “Don’t be a twit,” the lady said, and flashed a gorgeous smile. / “He’s harmless. He’s my little pet, my lovely crocodile.”

“Dear friends, we surely all agree…”

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Spoiler warning! This song is sung by the Oompa-Loompas after Violet gets turned into a blueberry. They claim that gum chewing is a repulsive habit, almost as bad as picking your nose. They tell the story of Miss Bigelow, who chewed gum constantly. One night, while she was asleep, her jaws just kept chewing. They opened wide and bit her tongue off, and she was dumb from that day on. Hopefully Violet can be saved from a similar fate.

Fun Stuff

“The Crocodile”

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Spoiler warning! Crocky-Wock the crocodile is very vile and loves to eat little boys and girls for lunch. He smears the boys with mustard to make them hot, and he coats the girls with butterscotch and caramel to make them sweet. But wait! What’s that I hear creeping up the stair? It’s Crocky-Wock!

Fun Stuff

“The Cow”

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Spoiler warning! The narrator wants to tell us about an amazing cow named Miss Milky Daisy. She came to live with him when she was seven months old. She had a funny sort of bump lump on her back. Eventually the lumps started to grow and one day they burst apart and out came gold and silver wings. Daisy was able to fly! Soon she was on television and millions of people came to see her. Most of them were well-behaved, but one man from Afghanistan yelled out, “That silly cow! Hey, listen Daisy! / I think you’re absolutely crazy!” Daisy heard every word and immediately dived towards the man. “Bombs gone!” she cried. “Take that!” she said, / And dropped a cowpat on his head.